Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
