Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
