you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
