What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Someone stole a lamp last night.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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