yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
