I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
