i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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