apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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