My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
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