Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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