I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
