Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
