So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
pop tarts are not kleenex
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
