Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
