I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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