proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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