she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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