Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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