Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
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