I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
