Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
