Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
