I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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