Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Randomize
