OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
