i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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