if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
