We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
