If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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