Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
