I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
we should paint friendship bongs
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