So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
If I die, sorry about rent.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
