i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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