I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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