And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
