are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
