I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Randomize
