You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
It's blow job season.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
