I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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