i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Acid is not a monday night drug
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
