I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
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