Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
