I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
the condom got lost in my hair
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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