I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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