I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
