It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He better not be in your backpack
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
