i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Randomize
