Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
