a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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