my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
